The Weekend Visit Protocols That Leave Us Exhausted
The Formal Invitation Requirement
The first unwritten rule about family visits is that casual invitations don’t cut it. Boomers expect a formal invite—ideally weeks in advance—complete with specific dates and a follow-up reminder. A simple “you should come visit sometime” is insufficient. I once casually mentioned to my mom that she could stop by when she was in the area. Three months later, I was reminded: "You never actually invited me." The irony? I thought I had.
For boomers, explicit communication is essential. It stems from a generation that places great value on ceremony, but as our lives speed up, the need to schedule family outings like business meetings feels increasingly stifling. As a result, I’ve begun sending calendar invites just to avoid confusion—the rationale is simpler than a lengthy discussion on the meaning of "come whenever."
You Must Travel to Them
Here’s a classic double standard: when boomers visit, it’s seen as a generous gift of time. But if you don’t travel to them, well, you’re neglecting the relationship. Suddenly, it falls to you, with your busy adult life, to pack up the kids and navigate logistics as if you’re on a military mission. This holds especially true during family holidays, as I witnessed with my nephew. After preparing for a four-hour drive with three children in tow, the grandparents remained rooted in their comfortable RV, claiming it was just too far. When my nephew’s dad suggested it was time for them to travel to their grandchildren, hurt feelings and accusations of “not valuing family” ensued. The irony thickens: a generation that preached self-reliance now expects their offspring to shoulder all the burden.
Extended Stays Are Non-Negotiable
One thing to remember is that staying for a full weekend isn’t just a suggestion; it’s a requirement. For boomers, a weekend equals Friday through Monday at minimum. Anything less suggests a lack of enthusiasm about their visit, as I discovered when I suggested a more streamlined 24-hour visit with my parents. The immediate response was a passive-aggressive comment about feeling unwanted.
For younger generations, hosting is a labor-intensive task involving meal planning, bed preparation, and the emotional energy to entertain while managing daily routines. To boomers, hosting seems effortless and joyful, but I suspect they may have forgotten the chaotic blend of responsibilities that often accompanied family visits when they were our age.
The House Must Be Inspection-Ready
When it comes to house cleanliness, the standards are stratospheric. It’s not just that the house should be clean; it needs to resemble a magazine spread. When my partner learned this during her first encounter with my parents, she felt the sting of criticism despite her thorough cleaning. My mom’s immediate wipe-down of the kitchen counters made it painfully clear: our standards were not sufficient.
This expectation transforms a casual visit into a high-stakes performance, adding pressure to ensure your household passes what feels like a military inspection. Meanwhile, when visiting my parents, their home seems just as lived-in as ours, shedding light on the one-sided nature of these expectations.
All Meals Must Be Coordinated and Formal
The next rule is that every meal needs to be an event—no casual dining matters. Eating at different times or grabbing takeout is frowned upon. Even a quick breakfast must become a coordinated effort, as my mother fervently reminded me when I suggested we order Thai food. "We’re together so rarely," she lamented, suggesting a real meal was essential for connection.
What’s exhausting isn’t necessarily the meals themselves but the emotional labor involved in creating a façade of domestic harmony. The pressure to prove that family time is meaningful through elaborate meal routines adds a layer of fatigue that often overshadows actual quality time.
Children Must Be Constantly Accessible
A significant disparity lies in how boomers view time with their adult children. They expect full accessibility for every moment of their visit. While I work from home, my parents perceive this as "available whenever." During their last visit, I excused myself for a work call, only to face my father’s genuine offense—“We came all this way to see you.”
The struggle here is palpable: I have obligations that allow me to maintain the home they are visiting. Yet they don’t realize that the modern work landscape often doesn’t afford breaks during family time. Ironically, the rigid rules of engagement replicate the boundaries they had when we were younger, and yet that expectation seems to vanish in reverse.
Entertainment Must Be Provided
When hosting, you’re not just providing a place to stay; you also bear the burden of being an activities coordinator. Boomers often come with expectations of a full itinerary—where are we going, what’s happening, why aren’t we busy every hour? Meanwhile, visiting them often translates to sitting together in their living room as they watch the news, with sporadic inquiries about my life.
This disparity points to an unspoken assumption: that your time and energy are inexhaustible and that their expectations should be met without question. The pressure to entertain is exhausting, and it sometimes feels more like an obligation than a joyful reunion.
Gratitude Must Be Loudly and Repeatedly Expressed
Finally, there’s the expectation of gratitude, which manifests as ongoing commendations both during and after visits. A simple thank-you isn’t sufficient; it must be followed by multiple expressions of appreciation—text messages, calls, anything to prove how wonderful their presence was. This emotional burden reminds me of a poignant line from Rudá Iandê’s book: "Their happiness is their responsibility, not yours."
Once again, the onus falls on host to manage everyone’s emotional satisfaction. Instead of enjoying quality time, you become a performer whose worth is measured through meticulous hosting—never mind your own needs.
A Final Thought
These family visit protocols, born from a place of love and wanting to create meaningful connections, have somehow morphed into rigorous expectations that can feel suffocating. The underlying ideals about family, hospitality, and the importance of shared time, though well-intentioned, often overshadow the very essence of togetherness. Wouldn’t we all prefer to just share a relaxed meal, sans the pressure? Or maybe simply sit together in comfortable silence, whether over takeout or breakfast, to foster genuine relationships?
